Another Opinion Among Many

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and
Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend
7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

REPLY
=====

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible
to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to
uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep
3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use
these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance
of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1
and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by
Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

I saw Ross Noble Sonic Waffle last night.  This man is CRAZY! If you’re a fan of stand up comedy or just a fan of total nut jobs talking for 2 hours, then you have to see this DVD.  Mr Noble must have a very big brain, as he covered dozens of topics in a meandering and intertwined way that can only be reserved for the totally insane or the comic genious.  If you’ve seen Robin Williams live (or a VHS tape of it) and liked what you saw, then you’re likely to enjoy this DVD.  Have a watch.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up, “Do you remember 40 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?” he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

“Yes, I do,” she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?”

“Yes, I remember.” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues…”Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 40 years?’”

“I remember that, too.” she replies softly.

*He wipes another tear from his cheek and says “I would have gotten out
today.” *

You Are 54% Evil

You are evil, but you haven’t yet mastered the dark side.Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

I guess that proves that I’m just not evil enough. Hmmm.

Stand in line! One at a time! Don’t crowd him

I just recieved this email from a friend and had to share:

I really agree with this one! But I’d like to add something. Delete that long list of email addresses when u forward a message please! I don’t want want a darn email that has one line and a link but I have to scroll thru PAGES OF EMAIL ADDRESSES!!
STOP THE MADNESS!!!

Read on…

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few months. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what’s left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern…I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

I no longer use margarine because it’s one molecule away from being plastic.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favor.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhoea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s 8th husband’s 2nd cousin’s 3rd husband’s ex-wife’s mother’s beautician!

DAMN!!!!

Artery…………………..The study of paintings
Benign………………….What you be after you be eight
Bacteria………………..Back door to cafeteria
Barium………………….What you do with dead folks
Cesarean Section…..A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan………………..Searching for the cat
Cauterize………………Made eye contact with her
Colic……………………A sheep dog
Coma…………………..A punctuation mark
D&C……………………..Where Washington is
Dilate…………………..To live longer than your kids do
Enema…………………Not a friend
E.R. …………………….U.M., A.H.
Fester………………….Quicker than someone else
Fibula………………….A small lie
Genitals……………….Non-Jewish people
G.I.Series…………….World Series of military baseball
Hangnail………………What you hang your coat on
Hospital………………The biggest building in town, other than Joe’s
feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill
Impotent………………Distinguished, well-known
Labor Pain……………Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff…………A doctor’s cane, sometimes shown with a snake
Morbid…………………A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates………………..Cheaper than day rates
Node……………………I knew it
Outpatient……………A person who has fainted
Pap Smear…………..A fatherhood test
Pelvis………………….Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative………A letter carrier
Recovery Room…….Place to do upholstery
Rectum………………..Darn near killed him
Secretion…………….Hiding something
Seizure……………….Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section
Tablet…………………A small table
Terminal Illness……Getting sick at the train station
Tumor…………………More than one
Urine………………….Opposite of mine
Varicose……………..Nearby