Another Opinion Among Many

I’ve had 5 drafts of articles waiting for the finishing touches (some more than others). I finished one and you’ll see it in the morning. 4 to go.

So, here’s something from my Inbox:

Buttocks Surgery

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered
to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he as alone with his wife and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!!

Don’t you get the feeling that the UN is run by the wrong people?

if this photo is yours let me know, so I can credit you

From My Inbox

To my friends with Children: Why parents drink

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ” Hello ? “

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

” Yes ,” whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?” The child whispered, ” No .” Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” ” Yes .”

“May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, ” No .”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

” Yes ,” whispered the child, ” a policeman “.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

” No, he’s busy “, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

” Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through t he earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

” A helicopter ” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ” The search team just landed a helicopter .”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… ” ME .”

From an email I just received:

One Sunday morning a young mother and her four year old daughter were sitting proudly in the first pew at church, listening raptly to the minister passionately deliver his weekly sermon.

“Dear Lord,” the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a positively rapturous look on his upturned face, “Without you, we are but dust…”

He would have continued but at that moment the little girl, who had been listening very carefully to the swelling oratory, leaned over and asked her mother quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

The minister was never quite able to recover the congregation after that.

…more fodder for the splogs from MrCorey…

Another email joke I just had to share:

Amazing and Simple Remedies

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the
snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives,
then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life
really are.

You only need two tools :
WD-40 and Duct Tape.
it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember :

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends;  you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan!!!

As a bit of relief from the rather serious subject yesterday, I present you a joke that I found:

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain
man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

:biggrin: :silly: :sideways:

*as always, if this is your joke, email me and I’ll cite it

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’s on first?” might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W.”

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue “1.”

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue “1.”

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue “1″ is Real One and the blue “W” is word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in “office for windows!”

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real one isn’t even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”…

If this is your work, let me know so that I can attribute it to you. And if you aren’t writing comedy for a living, you should start!