Another Opinion Among Many

My Internet Security Suite.

92%DRUNKARD
Is it a bad thing that I take a small pride in getting almost all of the answers right?

From my inbox (thanks searcher 625):

A young farm lad from Texas goes off to college at Texas A&M University, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Texas A&M that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!”

“That’s absolutely amazing,” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?”

“Just send him down here with $1,000″ the boy says. “I’ll get him into the course.” So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

“So how’s Ole Blue doing, son,” his father asks.

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this - they’ve had such good results with this program that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!” “READ,” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”

Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

“Where’s Ole Blue? I just can’t wait to see him talk and read something!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messing’ around with that little redhead who lives in town?’

The father says, “I hope you SHOT that old dog before he talks to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”

(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer…….)

A joke from my inbox:

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in, and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, “A folding bottle.” She said, “Okay, what do you call it?”
“A Fottle.” “What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.” “What do you call it?” “A Farton.”
She sniggered and said, “Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of crude.”
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket

I got this in an email from my friend Richard, who lives near (and in) T.O. and he will attest (along with a few other friends), that this is not really a joke, but YOU’D BETTER LAUGH!

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city’s name: it is T.O.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 km/h. On the 401 or 407, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered “wussy.”
4. Forget all traffic rules you learned elsewhere; T.O. has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Oakville, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of T.O. and, in fact, the GTA. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. MapQuest does not work in T.O. — none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all freeway off- and on-ramps are moved each night.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated.”
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 130 km/h in a 100 zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time — just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

I had to laugh.  This is also true in a lot of other cities that I’ve been to.  The signal light thing is definitely also a Fredericton thing.

From my inbox:

Some Things That Come Out of Kids Mouths

1 ) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”

2 ) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

3 ) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

4 ) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

5 ) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?”

“Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report.

“My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?”

“Yes, that’s right,” I told her.

“Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”

6 ) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.

“It sure is,” I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”

7 ) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

8 ) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”

“And why not, darling?”

“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. “

9 ) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.”

10 ) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

11 ) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?”

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

I got this in an email and had to share:

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below. About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck, Oklahoma. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver’s door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into ‘drive’ and hit the gas. The car’s speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled at the man to ‘Pull over!’ The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour. Who says Troopers don’t have a sense of humor?